David and I are discovering the full range of fatigue
associated with being parents. So far we’ve made it through the sleepless
nights of a newborn. We’re getting used to long days of work for him and
solo parenting for me. Now we have a new kind of tiredness to contend with.
Meredith seems to be at a dreadful tipping point; we have lost settled sleep at
night but we haven’t quite made it to longer naps in the day.
The result is a mental fog. It’s not a picturesque
cosy-making Cornish fog. It’s a thick and cold wall of white East Anglia fog. Tasks
that I might have been able to achieve in half an hour in the past stretch out
endlessly and impossibly. Before much ground can be made they are inevitably interrupted by the little coughs and
whimpers of a stirring baby.
My main task for this week is to proof-read the manuscript
for Wild Rose one final time before
sending it off to be converted into EBook format. I have to be certain that
there are no mistakes and that I am completely happy with every word. Self
publishing means that those final decisions and touches are mine alone.
Finding time to work is challenging. The fog of exhaustion
makes me work slowly, doubt what I’m doing and forget what I’ve already done.
If I am going to get Wild Rose
published as an EBook and A New World
finished before Meredith is doing her GCSEs I will have to find a new way of
working.
I read that we all have sleep cues – those things that tell
us that we are comfortable and it is safe to go to sleep. Meredith is
developing her own sleep cues. Lying next to Daddy is great, but not being
rocked in his arms. Being rocked by Mummy is perfect, but not whilst cuddling
Bunny. Trucks rumbling past the buggy are fine, but the dishwasher being
emptied is absolutely not.
I need to retrain my work cues. Before having a baby I
created a nest around my desk: a cup of tea, a glass of water, an apple, my
notebook, the laptop, something to look at out of the window, Post-It notes,
fountain pen, appropriate music. My new work cues need to be expediency and
opportunity: in my pyjamas, late at night, early in the morning, on walks, in
the moments she is napping and in the moments, such as this one, where she has
just woken up and is still happy with just Bunny for company.
With a notebook in my changing bag and a grandparent to push
her out in the buggy I will gradually get the work done. When the fog lifts I
hope to find it was also of reasonable quality.
