The Fog

David and I are discovering the full range of fatigue associated with being parents. So far we’ve made it through the sleepless nights of a newborn. We’re getting used to long days of work for him and solo parenting for me. Now we have a new kind of tiredness to contend with. Meredith seems to be at a dreadful tipping point; we have lost settled sleep at night but we haven’t quite made it to longer naps in the day.

 

The result is a mental fog. It’s not a picturesque cosy-making Cornish fog. It’s a thick and cold wall of white East Anglia fog. Tasks that I might have been able to achieve in half an hour in the past stretch out endlessly and impossibly. Before much ground can be made they are inevitably interrupted by the little coughs and whimpers of a stirring baby.

 

My main task for this week is to proof-read the manuscript for Wild Rose one final time before sending it off to be converted into EBook format. I have to be certain that there are no mistakes and that I am completely happy with every word. Self publishing means that those final decisions and touches are mine alone.

 

Finding time to work is challenging. The fog of exhaustion makes me work slowly, doubt what I’m doing and forget what I’ve already done. If I am going to get Wild Rose published as an EBook and A New World finished before Meredith is doing her GCSEs I will have to find a new way of working.

 

I read that we all have sleep cues – those things that tell us that we are comfortable and it is safe to go to sleep. Meredith is developing her own sleep cues. Lying next to Daddy is great, but not being rocked in his arms. Being rocked by Mummy is perfect, but not whilst cuddling Bunny. Trucks rumbling past the buggy are fine, but the dishwasher being emptied is absolutely not.

 

I need to retrain my work cues. Before having a baby I created a nest around my desk: a cup of tea, a glass of water, an apple, my notebook, the laptop, something to look at out of the window, Post-It notes, fountain pen, appropriate music. My new work cues need to be expediency and opportunity: in my pyjamas, late at night, early in the morning, on walks, in the moments she is napping and in the moments, such as this one, where she has just woken up and is still happy with just Bunny for company.

 

With a notebook in my changing bag and a grandparent to push her out in the buggy I will gradually get the work done. When the fog lifts I hope to find it was also of reasonable quality.